Not even half way...

I feel like the weeks are going by quickly...at least much more quickly this pregnancy than last. I'm sure that they're not, but I'm so much busier this time with work and the dog and gearing up for another deployment...which has been nice.

I have found myself wanting to just write my thoughts out on this blog, but have hesitated because of what I want this website to be. I want it to be a way for distant family and friends to keep an eye on us and what we are up to.....the fun stuff I guess. To start writing how I feel day to day may get a little boring. But, I decided to do it anyway. It's what I'm feeling and I'm not always the best at sharing that in a normal phone conversation. I guess this blog may allow me to open up a little more and let down that trait labeled "pride" and "I can do this all on my own and no one needs to help me" thing.

In the last month or so I have heard the lesson of Peter walking on the stormy seas to meet Jesus more than a couple of times. (Quick recap...Just as he begins his walk, Matthew 14:30, he sees the wind and waves and becomes afraid and begins to sink. He cries out for Jesus to save him. Jesus reaches out his hand and says, "You of little faith. Why did you doubt?") At the time, you think it's just what your class is studying or what the preacher decided to preach on. But then you realize Jesus is speaking to you. So many times since since then, this story has been brought to my mind and even more so in the last couple of weeks.

About 2 weeks ago, I realized "that's not gas I'm feeling....it's the baby moving!!" A very lady-like picture of me, huh?! And now that I have been consistently feeling the baby move and kick, I am starting to feel the anxiety creep in. When I'm not feeling him/her (hopefully next week we can just limit that to "him" or "her") I start to worry that something is wrong. And that's when this story is so much more evident. Like I am walking on the water until I see the storm (that is obviously, losing Brady and the end to a perfect pregnancy) and all of a sudden I begin to sink.

I had a hard time painting the baby's room and then buying a crib because I'm afraid that room's not going to get used again. I can't wait to find out if we're having a boy or a girl so I can buy things. But in the next breath I ask myself, what am I going to really buy...shouldn't I just wait until the baby's born? I've had to tell myself that I am not even at the half way point of this pregnancy and I need to focus my thoughts on God. I keep thinking, how many times can I give this pregnancy and this baby up to Him. I know it's all in His hands anyway, but almost everyday, I have to tell Him - I think to reassure myself that I mean it - that this baby is really His. Isn't it so easy to say that you have faith in God's plan for your life and for your baby's life. It truly is! I can say it all day long. And I know in my heart, I absolutely believe that! But, it is so hard to not know the outcome and whether you will get to watch this baby grow up. I might also have a control issue :o)

WOW!! I did not mean for this to become a book, so I'll end with my main thought. No matter how much I try to mask it, I think this pregnancy will be my "stormy sea". I know that He is holding out His hand, saying to me just as he said to Peter, " You of little faith". I know that we won't know the outcome of this pregnancy for another 23 weeks (man that seems forever when I type it out), but I know that no matter what, God loves us unconditionally and is faithful and is walking right there beside us offering us His hand.

With that, here's the latest picture of me and the growing belly and a picture of the animals Shawn's painted at the pottery place here in New Bern